Listening to children
Listening to children and young people to promote wellbeing
Being ready to listen to children and young people
Many of our children and young people in Edinburgh tell us that they have adults that listen to them and who they feel they can share worries and concerns with. Worries and concerns are normal for all of us and being able to talk to someone to share them is a really important part of learning to deal with difficulties before they get worse.
It is great that many children and young people feel able to talk to the adults in their life at home, school and in their communities however there are too many who still tell us that they don't feel comfortable speaking to the adults in their lives.
Although around two-thirds told us they had adults in their lives they could trust and talk to around one-third said they didn't or weren't sure.
This information is for all adults who have children or young people in their lives and who want to be ready to listen to them.
Make a connection
The power of supportive relationships is often at the heart of any transformative biography, film or documentary on overcoming adversity or promoting wellbeing.
Research also confirms the power of a positive relationship both in terms of resilience and wellbeing. Sometimes we even talk about how we are 'wired to connect' with one another and we know that early attachments (bonds) at home and elsewhere shape how we learn about relationships and they have a lifelong impact.
Positive relationships are a protective factor for our children and young people and it is our job to work together to make sure all our children and young people experience positive relationships with all the adults in their life: at home, school and community.
The first step to building a positive relationship with the children and young people in our lives is to take an interest
- Speak to them about their interests
- Give them encouragement
- Notice if something changes
- Give them some of your time and attention
One supportive adult
When children and young people have one or more supportive adults in their lives it can make a significant difference to their wellbeing.
The good news is any one of us can make that positive impact whether we are carers, siblings, grandparents, teachers, youth workers or something else.
All we have to do is take an interest and be ready to listen.
Watch this short 3-minute film where young people tell us about
Ready to listen
Talking and feeling listened to supports our mental health and wellbeing. Every child and young person has the right to be heard (United Nations Rights of the Child article 12).
Often we will speak to the people in our lives that we feel the most comfortable with. We don't expect them to solve our problems or be an expert.
Children and young people tell us they want to speak to adults they already know and trust when they are finding things difficult.
There are some things that help people to feel more able to talk. This simple four-step process helps adults have conversations with a child or young person they are worried about.
One of the most important aspects of this conversation is that they feel listened to and that you are there to offer support.
Step 1 - notice and ask
It is important to let a child or young person know you’ve noticed them. Even if they do not want to talk at least they know someone cares enough to ask. This will not make anything worse.
Open-ended questions can help them talk. Open questions can’t be answered by ‘yes’ or ‘no’. For example
- ‘I notice you’ve been quite quiet, how are you feeling?'
Closed questions can be answered by just ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and are less likely to start a chat. For example:
- ‘I notice you’ve been quite quiet, are you OK?’
Sometimes a child or young person will not respond to you or will tell you everything is OK the first time you ask. If you are worried, check in with them again.
Step 2 - listen
Did you know our instinct is to listen to respond rather than listening to really hear someone’s story?
Don’t worry about what you are going to say and just concentrate on listening.
Reflecting back on what you are hearing can convey that you really are listening. Hearing the words reflected back helps a person feel understood and enables them to start to make sense of things.
For example ‘What I hear you saying is that you find it difficult when...' This can help a child or young person to understand what they are feeling and know it is OK!
Focus on acknowledging the feelings rather than dismissing or minimising them.
Watch this short 5-minute film to learn more about how adults can speak to children and young people in the most helpful way.
How to talk about Mental Health from NES on Vimeo.
Step 3 – encourage
Thank them for sharing with you, it is a huge compliment when a child or young person chooses you to speak to about anything, especially concerns and worries!
‘Thanks for feeling able to talk to me about this.'
We all want to be helpful and sometimes we can have a tendency to want to try to jump in and find solutions or fix the problem.
Research stresses the importance of children and young people having a sense of control over their lives. We can be most helpful if we can support the child or young person to explore their options and establish what they actually want or need in the situation.
Instead of asking ‘What can I do to help?’ try ‘What is one thing that would help you?’ and support them to identify what that might be. Often we can help them to find their own solutions.
Watch this 7-minute film will help you with more information on what is mental health and the role of supportive adults.
What is Mental Health? from NES on Vimeo.
Step 4 – next steps
Often listening is enough but sometimes it can be helpful to support your child or young person with some next steps.
If appropriate you might be able to support them in:
- think of activities that could help them with how they are feeling
- encourage them to speak to their friend or adults in school or clubs about something that is bothering them
- finding out about self-help resources, websites or other supports
- A next step might just be agreeing a follow-up time to have another chat together
Every day remember to build a positive relationship with the children and young people in your life by taking an interest
- Speak to them about their interests
- Give them encouragement
- Notice if something changes
- Give them some of your time and attention